Today has been a day of fluctuating emotions and feelings. At my last therapy session I was told that getting more involved with activities, be they social or exercise or whatever, would be good for me which I kind of knew already but it helps to hear this from a qualified person. I was told that you can use the Five Minute rule. Go along to something and stay there for at least 5 minutes. If your anxiety is too severe or you're just not enjoying it, then leave but at least you'll be able to say I went there and did it for 5 minutes and that in itself is a positive thing to build on.
So today I was intending to go to an afternoon music session in town and thought I could put this rule into practice. But as the morning went on my anxiety got worse. In the past I might have given in to the call of the wine bottle but today I stayed sober, had an early lunch and set off into town. As I walked and got nearer to the venue, which was familiar to me, the anxiety didn't let up. I knew I'd get there after the session had started but thought that wouldn't be a problem as it seemed like the sort of thing where you wouldn't be expected to be there for the full two hours.
I stopped briefly at the door but only saw one or two people as presumably the music was being played in a different room. But I couldn't go in. If depression has the black dog, anxiety must have a different animal, maybe a cat as they do not like going anywhere, preferring the safety of their home.
So I walked on. I had other things to do in town so used that as an excuse to not go into that potentially dangerous place (as the cat would see it) and stayed outside going from shop to shop pausing only for a while in a cafe for a cup of tea and a snack.
I then walked home but was anxious about how my wife would react to me not going to the music session. I knew she would ask about it, which she did, and I mumbled some excuse about not getting there for the start and my anxiety being bad.
After going through some post that had arrived and looking through my purchases from town I headed up to the bedroom. I lay down and put on some calming music. But while lying on the bed my mind grew dark and thoughts of self harm went through my head. Our black cat was on the bed with me but she was not the cat of anxiety. She could sense that all was not well with me and kept me company until the darkness lifted.
When the music ended I put a light on and picked up my phone. Someone had made an amusing comment about the new Paddington film which made me laugh and I felt ready to face the world again.
It is scary having thoughts about possibly ending your life but I had enough positives to keep those thoughts at bay and I'll live to fight another day. And remember, there are people out there who can help.
Mental Health Helplines.
