Coping with Abusive Emails

As you may know from previous posts, at times I struggle with my mental health. I have one sibling, an older sister, who at times has been fairly sympathetic but mostly has been short-tempered with me especially when my illness has made it difficult for me to cope with and support our ageing parents' various health issues.

My sister rarely phones me. Email is her preferred communication tool. This makes it easier for her to criticise and belittle me when she feels I am failing in my role (as she sees it) as one of our mother's carers. After a particularly fraught series of incidents earlier this year, my sister went as far as informing me that I was, "no longer fit to be part of mum's care team". That speaks volumes about our relationship - she treats me like I'm a junior employee rather than a family member.

The effect of her emails on me over the years has on occasion seen me reduced to tears and has worsened my anxiety. I have tried drowning my sorrows (never a good idea) and at times it has made me nervous about even looking at my inbox. She does a good line in guilt-tripping too.

But I turned a corner last year with a new therapist who gave me strategies for dealing with these messages. Last night I came up with a new one - treat the email as a submission from a student who has failed to grasp the nature of the question set them. As their tutor, I have to try to encourage them to rewrite it in a more caring and compassionate manner. For obvious reasons I am not going to post my sister's email but you can use your imagination about its content based on my comments below.

Assignment: Write an email to a sibling informing them that one of their parents has developed worrying dental issues during lockdown. Within the last 24 hours the sibling has informed you that they are going for a coronavirus test. This, on top of their ongoing mental health issues, has left them feeling vulnerable and worried.

Feedback to student S’s answer:
You have failed to express any sympathy for your sibling's medical situation. Neither have you taken into account the travel restrictions which have made it difficult, if not impossible, for them to travel to see your mother, let alone accompany her to a dentist appointment.
Starting your email with the line, "This is what happens when you don't take mum to the dentist," is at best unhelpful and will instantly put the recipient on the defensive. And ending it with, "Mum deserves better than this," (meaning your perceived lack of care your sibling shows for said parent) is also an unnecessary comment which shows a complete lack of empathy.

Please try again using this as a guide to help you form a more constructive and supportive message.

1. Start by sympathising about your sibling’s health scare.
2. Remind them of the background to the parent’s dental issues.
3. Update them on the current situation – ref dental surgeries having been closed.
4. Discuss the next steps for parent’s treatment.
5. Ask if they will be able to help once their health has improved.
6. Wish them well and say you will keep them updated.

I hope this is of help to anyone in a similar situation to me and if you are in Lancashire and want more info on dealing with unwanted emails check out the Lancashire Constabulary website.